The Stupid Little Spider

Back in middle school I was assigned to write a satirical fairy tale. My brother and I had a lot of fun writing the first draft, which we called “The Stupid Little Spider.” But my mom insisted on reading all of my essays before I turned them in, and she thought I had taken the spirit of the assignment a little too far, so I had to start from scratch and came up with some crap about mice. Anyway, my brother and I really liked the rejected first draft, so every weekend for a couple months we wrote a new entry in the Stupid Little Spider collection. The illustration from above is from one of the later chapters, which were messes of random violence and non-sequitors. I used to think the early ones were actually pretty funny, but looking back on it, the best you can say about them is that they make more sense than my first story.

Chapter 1 

Once upon a time there was a stupid little dedicated spider. He decided to build a web.

A donkey came along. 

"Come, spider," he said. "Let's go frolicking." 

"No," said the stupid little spider. "I'm working on my web."

A hippopotamus came along.

"Come, spider," he said. "Let's go take some meth."

"No," said the stupid little spider. "I'm working on my web."

A fish came along.

"Come, spider," said the fish. "Let's go skydiving."

"No," said the stupid little spider. "I'm working on my web."

The fish, donkey, and hippopotamus talked amongst themselves and felt bitter that the stupid little spider had blown them off. So they devised a plan.

Finally, the stupid little spider finished his web. It was crummy and tiny and insects pretended to get caught in it just to taunt him, then flew around and flipped him off.

The stupid little spider said, "Oh well, I suppose I was wrong to take advantage of my friends. I'll go apologize."

The fish, hippopotamus, and donkey were waiting for him with flamethowers.

Then the stupid little spider got torched.

Then they torched his stupid little crummy dumb stupid spider house and all of his stupid little crummy dumb stupid personal belongings, and the police station just for good measure.

Let that be a lesson to you kids: don't trust fish.

The End

Chapter 2: Revenge from Beyond the Grave

As you remember from last week, there once was a stupid little spider. He got torched by his so-called friends, the hippo, the fish, and the donkey.

The stupid little spider decided to have revenge from beyond the grave.

As a ghost, he went to the donkey's home in Topeka, Kansas.

"You ki-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-illed me!" said the stupid little spider. "To repent, go outside."

"Oh no!" said the donkey. "I'd better go outside."

He went outside. The stupid little spider locked the door on the donkey. Left outside without his jacket, the donkey froze to death.

The stupid little spider's ghost went to the fish's house high up in the mountains.

"You ki-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-illed me!" said the stupid little spider. "To repent, go to the island in the middle of the big lake. There, you will find my shrine."

"What shrine?  I just had a picnic on that island last week with my cousins, and there wasn't any shrine," said the fish.

"Shut up," said the stupid little spider, "or else I'll give you lung cancer!"

The fish, terrified, went down the mountain to the big lake and, noticing his boat was gone, jumped in and tried to swim. He drowned.

The stupid little spider's ghost went to the hippopotamus's house in the far, far north.

"You ki-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-illed me!" said the stupid little spider. "To repent, stab yourself repeatedly, then set yourself on fire, then jump off a cliff, then stab yourself again. And if you're still alive, then take up smoking."

"I didn't kill you. That was the fish," said the hippopotamus. "All I did was burn down your house and hawked any flame-retardant stuff we found in the rubble.”

"Sorry, my mistake," said the stupid little spider. Then he faded away.

The hippopotamus overdosed on meth and died.

There’s a lesson here, kids: don't trust fish.

The End