A High Schooler's Guide to Sex!

Two weeks ago I posted an article from the underground satirical newspaper I ran through middle and high school, which nearly got me suspended when I tried to post it on the actual newspaper's webpage. This week, I'm sharing an article from that satirical newspaper that somehow sparked absolutely no controversy despite being entitled "A High Schooler's Guide to Sex!"

Sex is a wonderful and fascinating part of many young Americans’ lives. But what is sex, why is it so important, and why does it cost so much? We at The Southern View are here to answer these important questions as all you bright faced youngsters prepare to graduate high school and go on to sex!

    

Sex usually lasts four years and takes place at a University or College. Sex is a lot like school, in a way, but you live away from home and have much more freedom as to what classes you take and how you schedule your day.

The main point of sex is to learn as much as you can in preparation for your future career. Most of that learning is done in classrooms, but sex is a lot more than just textbooks and classes! Sex is a social experience too, and since most sex requires you to live in on-campus dorms for at least your first few years of sex, even if you stay in your home town for sex you’ll still get a new, exciting experience! Now, temptations often accompany this newfound freedom, so it’s very important that during sex you stay away from dangerous activities drinking, drugs and pre-marital relationships of intimate nature. Sometimes sex can be overwhelming, and an unfortunate number of young people drop out of sex even before their first year is over.

     

With the advent of computing technology, the sexual landscape of America is changing fast. For modern and affordable options, some people even find sex online that is often comparable real-life sex! With so many options, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, so feel free to go to Edina High School’s wonderful counseling department and ask for sex advice; they’ll know just how to help you.

      

As the number one provider of information at EHS, we at The Southern View get a lot of letters asking about sex. To provide you the information that you need to make sure that your sex is successful, fun, and ultimately profitable, we have answered several of them below.

      

Junior Pete Gretchin wrote in during early September to ask “Is sex awesome?”

      

Yes, Pete, sex is awesome! It’s a great opportunity for you to expand your mind, meet new people and have a good time!

      

Sophomore Angela Oswald wrote in early June of last year, asking “My boyfriend and I kiss all the time. Does this mean I’ve lost my virginity?”

      

Thank you for your concern, Ms. Oswald, but we only answer questions about sex. Please send in a sex-related question next time.       

Senior Mitchell Impilman wrote in just last month. “I got accepted to go to Yale for sex early decision,” wrote Impilman, “But I don’t have enough money to go. Any advice on how to afford some of the very best (and most expensive) sex in the country?”

    

First off, good job of getting into Yale, Mitchell! Secondly, you should probably contact Yale to see if you qualify for financial aid. If not, there are numerous ways to pay for sex, such as working summer jobs or volunteering for medical experiments.