Being my final year on cross country, I tried to make things special by giving a hellfire speech at every meet. Here’s how it went:
Central Dutch Invitational:
[Slowly growing passion and volume as it goes along.]
Men, what did we come here to do? [Pause.] We came here to win! But what is that, even? What is winning? Webster’s Dictionary defines it as “Successful in competition.” But what competition? Webster’s tells us that it is “A contest between rivals.” But who are our rivals? Well, first we must ask, what are our rivals? Webster’s defines rivals as “One of two or more striving to reach or obtain something only one may possess.” But what is this something that we both want? Webster’s defines something as “an indeterminate or unspecified thing!” And what does indeterminate mean? You want to know what it means? Well, there are two definitions actually: “Not precisely determined” or “characterized by a sequential flowering from the lateral or basal buds!” And you better be damn sure Webster knows what a bud is: “An incompletely opened flower!”
[Suddenly quiet.]
And that, gentlemen, is just about all that you need to know.
Les Duke Invitational
At the Central Meet I announced to the team that I’d give a hellfire speech at every meet, but I’d actually given up on that goal by our second meet when I couldn’t think of any decent concept. That didn’t stop a couple team members from pushing me forward when people were giving pump-up speeches and cheers. Keep in mind that this wasn’t just the team: at least fifty alumni and parents were also watching. What follows was completely improvised.
Hey, yeah. So I’m giving a speech! I’m giving a speech on a very important day. A very important speech and I haven’t prepared at all. But, even if it’s all just incoherent and stalling for time, I’m sure you’ll are read something profound into it. And isn’t that the great thing about the human mind, that we can- no, that is so damn clichéd. And now I just swore in front of a bunch of alumni and parents. Crap. No, that’s it, I’m done.
Loyola University Edward Kelly Memorial Lakefront Run
Men, none of us would be here at this race today had it not been for Edward Kelly, a monumental figure in the field of biology, a man who changed so many of our lives forever, the man for whom this race is named. In 1936, Edward Reginald Kelly, or Eddy as he would soon be known, was born in a small Wisconsin town on December 23rd. In 1956, at only twenty years old, he graduated from Loyola University with a major in biology. In 1960, his graduate degree already complete, he patented a series of new techniques and medicines that saved millions of lives as soon as they were released into the world. In 1959, God appeared to Edward in a whirlwind, roaring, “Pitiful man, why have you seen fit to question of my judgement? Did I not punish Adam and Eve, the first of your kind, with pain death for their transgression in the Garden of Eden? For your arrogance, not only will you suffer all the torment that lurks beneath the earth, but your alma mater and other nearby division three schools shall offer tributes of both men and women every year, to toil and weep as they run across the ground!” Then the earth opened up and Edward was thrown into the abyss.
So remember Edward Kelly, and why our pain is the cost of his hubris, so that none shall ever defy the will of God again!
Agustana College Invitational
Me: Give me a G!
Team: G!
Me: Give me an R!
Team: R!
Me: Give me an I!
Team: I!
Me: Give me an M!
Team: M!
Me: Give me a Q!
Team: Q!
Me: Give me a 2!
Team: 2!
Me: Give me an uppercase L!
Team: Uppercase L!
Me: Give me a question mark!
Team: Question mark!
Me: And what’s that spell?
Team: I don’t know!
Me: The wifi password!
University of Wisconsin Lacrosse Invitational
There is a dragon before us, men! It is a beast with five heads: fear, weakness, not trying hard enough, St. Norbert college, and hills! And it has a tail called fatigue, and it breathes a fire called running-induced iron deficiency. We cannot run away from the beast, men, we can only run towards it. But do not be afraid, for we are armed with the mightiest weapons in all the land! We have a sword, a sword named teamwork! And an ax, an ax named confidence! Our bow is named support, and it shoots arrows of cheers crafted by the women’s team and coaches and family members! And our hammer is named lifting and our armor is named shoes! Now let’s go and slay this overdone allegory!
Midwest Conference Championship
The course was very muddy, so we had been instructed not to run on the course itself, but on the outside, so that it wouldn’t be torn up before the race even began. We followed the rules, but none of the other teams did.
We are destined to conquer this course, men! Our victory is written in providence as surely as if it were already history. And this is why: yesterday, the Midwest Conference Championship authorities proclaimed that any may run on either side of the course, but none may touch the sacred soil of the path until the race has begun. The other teams scoffed at this warning and flaunted the decree. For this they shall be condemned. But we alone respected the law! Except for Kody, he’s doomed. But the rest of us are guaranteed to run over happy pastures while our impure opponents shall be given up to the earth’s maw, to join their companion in sin, Edward Kelly. This is not to say there will be no sacrifice or suffering for us, as the land takes arrogance as tenfold more insulting than disobedience. But if we humble ourselves and respect our course, victory is already assured!
NCAA Division III Regional Championship
We were not favorites to win this meet.
People say that we have no chance at all of winning. But I say, you can do anything if you put your mind to it! Seriously, I really mean it, you can do absolutely anything, all you have to do is believe in yourself. You could win regionals, you could win nationals, you could go to the olympics with no effort at all, if only you believe in yourself! And it’s not just running, if you believe in yourself you could be famous! You could be president! You could dismantle our democracy, seize power, and lock up your opponents! The power of your self-belief could conquer the world, oppress billions just for your own fame and wealth, and torture anyone who stands in your way!
So yeah, you can do anything if you believe in yourself, but it’s probably best for everyone if you don’t do it that often. Just use it to win regionals. Or don’t, we don’t need it that bad.
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